9/11/01 The day my son was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma.
Without even looking at the calendar or the clock, the day hits me like a brick. I had no idea what time it was when the phone rang a few minutes ago. I did know that my head had shifted, like someone threw a switch. *click* Yes, woe to the gf who just called. The diagnosis meeting was at 2pm. My heart knew it. The flashbacks in my head knew it.
Today is a day filled with flashes of a moment in time that changed my life's path forever. I can't help it.
Today I mourn the blissfull knowledgelessness I had about lymphoma and a multitude of chemotherapy drugs. I mourn for the loss of the child with mild learning issues and effective coping strategies. I mourn the guilt-free days when I didn't worry about whether the choices I made effected my son's ability to be a father. I mourn the mother-filled days BOTH my children shared. I mourn being a mom who thinks not being hungry is just a phase, or due to eating too much junk food. I mourn having a child that coughs or vomits or gets an infection - without thinking the "C" word. I mourn the loss of my cancer-depression-free son and so many things that changed, beginning today, 9 years ago.
So Stop. Please.
Stop telling me to cheer up and be grateful. (I AM) Stop telling me to celebrate his remission. (That has it's own date - and do you honestly think I DON'T?! )
It hurts my heart more deeply than I can express that I can't seem to share my sadness and grief with my friends and family without being told that my emotions are "wrong" or should somehow be different.
Aron, Avivah & Mara have come and gone and are now getting settled in their own home and their own routine apart from the hustle and visits that kept them going here. It's more than bittersweet for this loving Nana, so far away from the grand baby she adores but I'll adjust in time... I hope. :(
I awoke to care for the feathereds this morning to see that all was well though the day was heading to almost 90 (something they don't care for). Water changed, food filled, treats given and coop cleaned, I went about my day.
By 1 this afternoon I had collected one egg (Roxie's), there was diarrhea in the coop and Buffy was looking none too well. Poo on her vent and looking like butt feathers were missing. I pampered, fretted and gave treats like mad to get her to move so I could see the affected area better. Nothing new and no definitive answer.
One of the day's plans could not be moved, so off I went to help a friend with her wedding.
Three hours later I came back to find Buffy still in a bad way, sitting on the nest, coming down for treats, but then going right back up. Red comb and wattles, but No improvement in her poo butt or temperament. I checked websites, books, called a friend who has chickens... No definitive solutions, so I decided to go outside to spend some time observing to see if I could learn more about my poor girl...
Buffy was down pecking and scratching with her sisters! She was clucking normally and other than eating and drinking more than usual, seemed ok!
I checked the coop for bloody stools or other sign of illness to find... Buffy's egg... AT SEVEN PM! She'd been egg-bound all day! I added another water station, made sure there was enough feed and gave them an extra helping of leafy greens. I'm just praying this doesn't become a continuing problem.
Thought I'd share my review of www.nutritiondata.com with you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used nutrition data (.com) to track my food and beverage consumption all day today and found it was a bit of a pain if you're watching every ingredient (add food, save, [or - add "custom foods" when they don't have them preloaded, save], add food to tracking, save, save & analyze, wait for report). It's a better site for label information... then do your own addition!
You also can't export the daily tracking page as anything other than an excel .doc, which is incomplete (lacks the foods list) and is really tough to decipher! The format on the site page is gorgeous! It's easy to understand, thorough and exceptionally well laid out. I only wish it came through that way when emailed.
All in all I prefer the site solely for nutritional information, but for that it can't seem to be beat!
Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work. ~ William Arthur Ward ~
"General Staff officers were so out of touch with the requirements of modern aerial warfare that their chief complaint about air personnel was the disrespectful manner in which flying officers flouted regulations by refusing to wear their cavalry spurs while flying airplanes." USAF Professional Development Guide, History of the AF, Sect. 2.5.3