Wednesday, February 20, 2008

How do I wonder...

If you're counting the ways you'd've run out of fingers and toes a long time ago!

It's not that I'm an insatiable information hound about everything (though I am)... It's that every waking moment of every day I wonder how Avivah is doing. I wonder what she's doing, how she feels about it and how she's doing at it. I wonder what she thinks of the food and if she is able to eat well in the whopping 5 minutes they have to wolf down sustenance. I wonder if in the short and frantic shower time they have she is able to get all that hair clean! I wonder if she has made a friend there in whom she can confide. I wonder if she is healthy. If her run time is improving. If the hair gel she took is good enough to do the job of holding every strand of that gorgeous hair in place. I wonder if she'll call again some day in the next 5 weeks and if she will sound more like the determined, headstrong child I know and love...........


I wonder as I wander... at work, while driving, sitting here at the computer, in the grocery store, while making dinner, everywhere.


Just now, standing outside in the freezing cold watching the lunar eclipse, I wondered if she saw it too and if she thought of me, or home at all. We have always watched the moon together, she and I. When V was very little I taught her a poem (J too) we'd say every night we saw the moon...


Hail fair moon
Ruler of the night
Guard me and mine
'til it be light.


and we have a family tradition of singing moon songs like this one I've passed along from my childhood...


I see the moon and the moon sees me
Down through the leaves of the old oak tree.
Hope that moon that shines on me
Shines on the one I love.


So tonight I wonder; and I pray that the V I love so dearly is sleeping a well-earned sleep in the glow of the moonlight.

8 comments:

Debbie in NC said...

Lea, I'm amazed you posted about the moon! Night before last, I went out and saw there was a beautiful full moon. I thought to myself, at least wherever David ends up he will be able to look up at the same moon and we can somehow be connected...and now you write about it!

I love blogs! Still praying down here in NC that V is doing well!
(and Monika, Ryan, all of them!)

((Lea))

Deb Estep said...

Hey Lea,

This is a very important message that I could just have emailed you, but I thought .. IF it's a comment on your OWN blog, you could visit it OFTEN.

XO XO
Deb - OHIO folks are not that bad are we ??? LOL LOL LOL

"The Miracle of Mindfulness"

This was a post I made on an Air Force Parents
support site back in early 2003.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Miracle of Mindfulness"

This is no magic wand that we can wave to disperse STRESS
from our lives. If that were the case, I'd be your fairy godmother
and take it ALL AWAY. :) Bippiti -- boppiti -- BOOP

But what I can do is offer some words to you in hopes that
IF you embrace them and the precepts, you will find
moments of peace.

Many of us in these times turn to God in prayer.
'Dear God, help me to process this' 'Amen'
I have no doubt that GOD does help us in a BIG WAY,
but we are responsible for the MOMENTS of our lives.

The Miracle of Mindfulness,
by Thich Nhat Hanh was a very important book
in my life journey.
I would like to present this to you as a quickie version of the
concepts of mindfulness, but for further understanding I highly
recommend
you pick up a copy of this book for yourself.

Answer this question with ALL honesty ....
How many times have you been behind the wheel of your
car, driving down the street and you pass under a traffic light.
Almost immediately you say...
"Ohhh MY GOSH" ... "Was that a green light or a red light" ???
IF you answer honestly, I think you might say...
"WOW", I have no idea what color that light was."

The reason is.... a loss of momentary mindfulness. !!!
You were 100 million miles away.
It happens ALL the time, many times in a day.

Have you seen the movie the Karate Kid ?
Mr Miyagi, the wise teacher has Daniel, the kid, wax the car.
Over and over he says....
"Wax on, Wax off". The purpose of that 'mantra' is to keep
ones mind on the task at hand.

Mindfulness is about developing a continuous awareness of all the
tasks
we do and the thoughts we have during the course of a day.
The mindfulness comes in when your awareness is held to the moment
of each task you are doing.

In the morning when you make your coffee, and have your breakfast,
you hold your mind to the task you are doing.
It is as IF you are doing this task for the very first time.
Actually feeling the items you are touching and processing
everything in just that moment.
All through the day, paying direct attention to what you are doing.

I explained the ideas of mindfulness to my coworkers.
So many times I when I was at work my mind wandered away.
I was house cleaning, grocery shopping, DOING all the things
in my mind that needed to be done in the future.
It's no wonder you get home from work and just don't feel\
like doing some tasks. How many times did you do them
over and over in your mind without even noticing where
your thoughts were.
There is a huge difference between planning out mentally what
you are going to do, and allowing your mind to aimlessly wander
off and do those things.

We have all said, "I'll just keep myself busy and that will get me
through this time." It will get you through, but if you are not
aware, even when you are busy your mind will be racing along
to other things. If, you do not hold your attention to the moment.

In ending I would like to say.....
You will NOT read my posting here one time and have
a full and complete command of mindfulness.
It will take your attention and practice.
Look how many years your mind has been
on vacation. Ha, no wonder it's going to take some time
to really embrace this into a daily practice.

When I first started to 'practice' mindfulness,
I made myself small cards that said.....
"Wax on Wax off" "breath in breath out".

I had one at work, one on the kitchen frig, one in my car.
These were reminders to myself to be mindful of the moment.
If I caught my mind wandering away, I repeated those
lines to myself I could actually feel my whole body relax.
I then returned physically and mentally to the moment, experiencing
totally just what I was doing at the time.

I think I am going to print out a copy of this for Vinny.
These would be great words of wisdom to send to him. !!!
Of course he has heard me speak of this, but I am not so sure
that it is a part of him.

(by the way... The Karate Kid movie made it's debut in 1984,
just like my Vinny)

Deb Estep said...

A Message in the *Twinkle*


Child of mine
Out of the reach of this mama's hugs.
Look up to the stars at night.
I've beamed a message of
love there.


On the nights when the stars
are hidden behind clouds
I'm still reminded of you.
You are hidden from my view,
yet I trust in the beating of your heart.
We shared heartbeats for nine months
and became forever bonded.


The twinkle of the stars
are a comfort to me from
God above.
Child, see the stars and feel my hugs.

Love Always,
Mama

Debra Estep
2-28-03

AFMom Rebecca PAFM of Amanda –
made this beautiful graphic for me…..
http://tinyurl.com/7jraz

Debbie in NC said...

Lea & Deb..I just read something similar to this lately but can't remember where it was...out in blog world! The example was focusing on washing the dishes. Brain lapse here...but will come back and read this again too!

As usual...Deb puts it out there again and we love you!!

Debbie in NC said...

Also, I've been practicing "Breathe in happiness, breathe out sadness" Breathe in beautiful, breathe out ugly" etc. You get the picture, just put in opposites!

Helps me focus :-) (A little)

Lea said...

Oh you guys are so wonderful to me. Thank you for the wonderful, heartfelt messages.

Debbie, I have a practice in my tradition that breathes in the negative - transforms it within the energy of the person - and breathes out the positive to affect the world.

For example: Breathe in divisive aggression, breathe out connectedness.

I like the imagery of "sending it out" to create positive change.

Just my dos centavos. :) Keep reading and commenting!

Yours in the moonglow,
moi

Michelle said...

Lea, You are doing exactly what I did for 6 1/2 weeks while Shay was in Basic. I would imagine her marching, firing her weapon, standing in the chow line, etc. I wondered what her dorm looked like and if she was sleeping well without the 3 pillows that she was used to using. All of those thoughts went through my mind every minute of every day. The bad part was that at the time I was not working so I did not even have that as a distraction. I was home alone getting the house ready to sell.

I can assure you that she has made friends that she can confide in, she will probably lose a few pounds because they can't eat much and are so very busy and that she is not sleeping that much. But she will decide at the end of the time that it was not that bad after all.

We are all here for you so consider yourself hugged (((((LEA)))))

Debbie in NC said...

I will NEVER forget sleeping on that bed, on my back, with bed still made and with my waist length hair (wet) hanging over head of bed. They are still in the same dorms we were in 1976!

LOL of course they get cleaned daily, so they should be in good shape!

I have a pic of me and another trainee in PT shorts...I need to get scanned. I actually looked tan and happy LOL....32 ugh years ago!

I am crazy now but it wasn't because of BMT! Well, maybe...Bitchin Menopause Torture

Love ya Lea!